I should be working on recording my voice for a CME right now. I woke up at 5AM to pack a lunch for Mike and send him off to work, then had every intention of getting some work done myself. Instead, I felt the need to write.
You know that awful feeling you get when you’re a mom (or dad)? That fear you somehow are letting your child down? That’s called Mom Guilt, and it can creep up on you at the most random times.
Last night, as Mike and I were lying in bed watching TV and catching up on our day, I became extremely emotional. Those pregnancy hormones can make for some pretty awkward bouts of ugly-girl crying. Seriously, I can start crying over finding an empty box of cereal in the cabinet. Anyways, I started thinking about how I needed Mike to put Clara to bed that night because my belly has gotten so big I can’t reach the bottom of the crib to lie her down in it. I thought about how different it’s all going to be when we have a newborn in the house who is going to need me for everything. What about Clara? She’s still so young and still needs me, yet I feel so inadequate in the thought of stretching myself to tend to the needs of a newborn and a young toddler.
But why do I feel this way? Plenty of parents do it. They have kids back-to-back and make it all seem so easy. They seem like they are able to find that special one on one time with all of their children and give them the attention each child deserves. I don’t know, maybe I’m overthinking all of this. Maybe my pregnancy hormones are just making me crazy.
Overall, I know these feelings are normal. For the first 18.5 months of Clara’s life, she will have all of her Mama’s attention, then a new little life will come and shake things up. It will be an adjustment for all of us. We will have to find a new groove and make sure we set aside time for just her and I. Mike is constantly reminding me that we aren’t having another baby to punish her, we’re giving her a best friend for life.
The questions still play in my head: Am I spending enough time with Clara during the day while she’s still an only child? Am I doing enough to keep the house clean and safe for her? Am I spending too much time trying to get work done instead of playing on the floor or in the backyard? Am I feeding her enough healthy foods? Am I teaching her to be a good human?
I don’t think I’ll ever stop asking myself those questions, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. They’re more like reminders of the things I need to keep doing. The Mom Guilt can be motivation to make sure I answer those questions the way I think they should be answered. The answer should always be YES. I AM DOING ENOUGH. WE as parents are doing enough. Feeling the guilt is okay because it means we care.
For now, I’ll soak up every minute of that one on one time with my little girl. These are the moments we will cherish forever, and when baby brother comes, things will change but it’s all for the better. Only 122 days until we become a family of 4!